Behind the Curtain of Mental Illness

Imagine a blanket over your head. Dark. Heavy. Suffocating.

That is how I had felt for as long as I could remember. I kept moving forward one day at a time, dragging the blanket with me.

Life piled up around me. I took blow after blow, as we all do with the challenges and obstacles of our every day. But somewhere along the way, the blanket became heavier and heavier until I couldn’t bear it.

Depression is often linked to an image of a person laying in bed. I had many of those days. But I also had a lot of days out and about, with a huge grin on my face. Nobody knew that I was struggling. Nobody knew that I was suffering. Nobody knew that I was sick. That image of a person laying in bed? That person isn’t just lazy. That person was me. I may have had my days trapped in bed, but I wasn’t just laying around.

I spent every damn day fighting for my life until I nearly lost it by my own hand.

That was a defining moment where I knew that something was very, very wrong. Can you imagine being so sick that you plan out your own death? I was terrified of my state but I was even more terrified of putting a name to this faceless monster. I could feel my dreams, ambitions, and life’s purpose slipping away. How could I heal people if I was sick myself? How could I be of use to anyone if my mind was trying to eradicate itself? How was I worthy of life, happiness, and love if I was defective?

There was only one person who knew about my condition. My best friend, my partner and a true gift from God. When I was at my lowest point, he forced me to see a therapist. It was a terrifying thing, to face this monster, and to relay my years of hurting to a total stranger. But that step is what saved my life. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and I felt defeated.

Here’s where I have a lot of luck and more blessings than I can count. My support system and my resources. When I faced that monster after being diagnosed, I moved forward with an army by my side. Y’all, I had access to health care. I had people who would drop everything for me. I had loved ones who never stopped believing in me. With therapy, I began to realize how ill I truly was. I found answers to those questions that had once terrified me.

How could I heal people if I was sick myself? My experience in having a mental illness, fighting the surrounding stigma and undergoing treatment has made me far more empathetic to people’s mental states. It is something I will never stop looking for, not just in patients, but in the people around me. I can relate to people on a stronger level because I have been on the other side of the stethoscope.

How could I be of use to anyone if my mind was trying to eradicate itself? Even when I was at my lowest point, I helped people. I was an important part of a community and an important part of a family. My illness may have held me back, but I still had a valuable role in people’s lives.

How was I worthy of life, happiness, and love if I was defective? I am not defective. I never was. I never will be. Fighting depression, holding on to life, working my tail off for health – these have made me strong. I am worthy of those things and many more. I still have rough patches and days where my self-worth plummets, but through it all, I can find my own value.

With a lot of help, I went from clinically depressed to a graduate, a pageant queen, a medical student. Being diagnosed with depression wasn’t a prison sentence, it was liberation. Today, I am physically and mentally healthier than I have ever been. I am high functioning, not only following my dreams, but actualizing them.

As your reigning Miss Austin, I have created a social impact called “Here for You,” based on my experiences in fighting mental illness. People are often shocked that someone in this field and with a shiny crown on her head could be stamped with such a label. But that is the reality. That image of a person laying in bed is often misleading. Being open about my struggles has helped people come forward and ask for help in dealing with their own. It’s such a wild experience to put a spotlight on something that used to terrify me. Even writing a post like this is a notion that I would have frozen from two years ago. But I have healed since then. Instead of being cloaked in shame and hiding from depression, I wear it like a badge. I am alive, I am fighting, I am strong.

I guess the main takeaway from this all is

1. 1. Take care of yourself. We aren’t just future physicians. We are current patients. The statistics on mental illness are climbing every year. Our own faculty members have estimated that 70% of medical students exhibit signs of depression. Do not put yourself last. You deserve more from yourself.
   2. Something that I can never shake is the fact that resources and support were the make or break of my life. Without those, my story would have ended very differently. We are going to come across people from so many walks of life and some won’t have resources and support. We have to be aware of that. Be kind to people. Listen to people. You don’t know the burdens that anyone else carries unless you take the time to listen.
   3. We are the new generation of physicians. We can incite the changes that we wish to see in this field. We can chart a new course in the way that mental illness is handled and managed. We can be the life or death difference and we can end the stigma. I believe in us.

 

Pratyusha Pilla, OMS-I

Photo by Nikki Mangan-Reta